Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This rant is rated R for vulgar language and situations

Fuck the world! Fuck this life!

I am beginning to think I need to give up trying to have a "normal" life. A life like we had a year ago.

Last Monday, September 20th, my birthday of all days, my husband lost his new job after being there for only three weeks. He has been unemployed for over a year. He went back to school to get multiple IT certifications last fall but graduated in the end of Jan. It took him until 3 weeks ago to finally get a job. That doesn't count the temp position he had for a month. That place even kept stringing him along telling him they were going to hire him on permanently, in which they obviously didn't do.

So over the last few weeks things were actually starting to look up for us a bit. He was going to get insurance which would save us from having to pay $1400/month for Cobra and he was getting a somewhat decent paycheck. It was not going to solve all of our problems, but it was a huge fucking start.

This last Monday, the company he was working for decided he was not experienced enough to work there. He did, however, make it more than abundantly clear at his interview that he had just started out in the IT field and that he didn't have much, if any, experience. He also informed him that it had been 6 months since he was done with school and things would have to slowly come back to him. Keep in mind, they only gave him 3 fucking weeks to prove himself.

UGH!!! I really don't think I can take this shit much longer. When are things ever going to get better? Everyone wants to comfort me by saying "things will get better", "it could be worse", "so-and-so has this and that going on", etc. Okay, I'm sick of hearing that crap. I know it could be worse. It always can. I can think of a million awful things that could happen and then think of a million worse things that can happen. Things will get better??? Really? When? Because so far we've been dealing with unemployment issues and my health problems for over a year now. I don't want to hear that it will get better because until it starts to get better, and stays that way for a little while, I don't care. I want it better now! I don't want to be rich. I don't need to be able to run a god damn marathon again. I just want to be able to keep a roof over our head, feed our children, and go to work everyday. I just want my husband to be able to go to work everyday.

I thought I had a hard time dealing with things a few months ago. At that time I went through a depression that I haven't seen since I was a teenager. Well, as of right now, I'm not depressed. I'm fucking pissed!!!

In addition to the problem of my husband's job situation, I have been feeling worse for the last week. It's because of stress, you say? Nope. I started feeling worse 4-5 days before my husband lost his job. My muscle pain in my hips/glutes is getting almost unbearable at times. My muscle fatigue, primarily in my lower extremities, has also been worse over the last week.

So I am the type of person who believes that instead of just bitching about something, do something about it. Well, I'm freaking trying. I am doing everything I know to do.

I had an appointment with the neuromuscular doc at KUMed on Sept 27th, but they called and said they had to reschedule for Oct. 15th. Lovely. Two more weeks to wait. So, in the meantime, I am getting precertification from my insurance so they will pay the in-network amount since KUMed is out of network. I would like to be able to call KUMed to see if there have been any cancellations so I can get in before Oct. 15th. However, I need precertification first. Well, what is the hold up on that, you ask? My doctor's office (my pcp) needs to send my insurance company a letter of medical necessity. I asked them to do so about a week ago, and they still haven't done it. I called yesterday and today to bug her about getting it done.

SO... In regard to me making money. Well, I have found that working even 6 hrs makes me feel completely awful. I am, however, going to try to still work one 12 hour shift a week in order to help with our money situation, even if it does make me feel like crap for two days. (All that's available is 12 hour shifts since I work at a hospital) I decided, since I have been feeling worse over the last week that I am going to try to apply for social security disability (SSDI). I was going to wait until after I talked with the neuromuscular doc further and possibly more tests to see if something else was going on that I can put on the application. I have heard from multiple people with "just POTS" that have a very hard time getting disability. I went ahead and called my pcp to make an appointment to talk to her about disability. Guess what!!! She doesn't do that stuff! Of course not. She sends her patients to an orthopedic doc. My problems have absolutely nothing to do with anything orthopedic. Plus, he wouldn't know me from Adam, or Eve, or Mary, or Jane. (Mmmm... maryjane) Sorry, got distracted. Now what was I saying?

Yesterday, the first full day after my husband lost his job, I decided to try to get help with our bills, etc. This was funny. (not really, but I have to laugh or I'll explode) In order to get assistance with our mortgage or our utilities, we have to be near foreclosure and/or close to having our utilities shut-off. What the fuck!?!? So we get penalized for continuing to pay our damn bills on time even during a time of financial hardship?!

It's going to take a whole hell of a lot to keep me from going crazy with everything that we have going on.


Anonymous said...

Wow, you have had a rough time of it!!! I wished I could give you some really awesome advise that would make you feel so much better but I don't have anything profound to say other than I am really sorry to hear about all of this. I know that you are probably sick of hearing this but would it be okay if I prayed for you? I don't know what God has in store for you and your family but I do know that life can get really hard, sad and painful and sometimes it is hard to see your way out of it. You have every right to be pissed off. My only advise is not to let it break you (you are way too strong of a woman for that!)just get mad (just like you are today!) and confront it and break thru it. I admire you for all of your strength and willingness to share and truly be raw about how all of this is affecting your life and your families life also.

Be sure to keep your blog updated so I know what happens and how things turn around (I just know they will!)


blabber said...

Dear Robin,
Wow, I would be angry too. I think that debilitating health problems are the hardest to overcome mentally and emotionally. Add to that the financial and employment issues and it must feel like a tidal wave has hit your family! I am so sorry. And other people's attempts to give you kind words just don't add up, do they? It is so hard to understand why all these forces have hit you all at once. It feels awful for sure. I've had a few times in my life where I truly believed I was not going to survive. Very few comments made by others worked for me. But I do remember one comment that managed to impress me. A friend said "God has his arms wrapped all around you." It wasn't an attempt at help or at phony feel-better stuff, it was an acknowledgement that sometimes circumstances (health, finances, etc.) are truly out of control. That we have a right to feel down and out, that there is no way out, and we have no hope. And, that there is another side to this that maybe we cannot see, and don't even need to understand. Things look hopeless, but may I offer that maybe, just maybe, there is a God who is waiting for you to turn to Him, to ask Him to take you thru this. Circumstances, including health, can and do turnaround. Hang in there friend. And, if you can, just consider that maybe God has His arms wrapped all around you.