Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm having a pity party. You're all invited.

I have really had a tough time recently.  I quit working December 1st of last year.  I may have had problems prior to that, but that's the date that I feel that I officially became disabled, or chronically ill.  Therefore, it's been a year now.  That realization has really gotten to me.

This was all supposed to be temporary.  Being sick, not working, being financially unstable (that's putting it very lightly).  It was all supposed to be temporary.  I understood that it would take a few months, maybe up to a year, but it's been a year now and I'm not getting better.  Not only that, but I still don't even know exactly what's wrong with me.

I'm not supposed to be one of "those people".  Someone who takes pain medicine every day.  Someone who is stuck inside, watching commercials about disability lawyers, everyday.  Someone who struggles to get doctors to believe that they're sick and in pain.

I'm not supposed to be one of "those people" that has to have their family "adopted" for Christmas.  I'm supposed to be helping others; adopting other people's family.  I'm supposed to support myself and my kids.  I'm supposed to give to charity, not receive it.  I'm supposed to continue to advance in my career, not move backward, or not work at all.

I'm not supposed to be one of "those people".  Someone who has to fight to convince social security that they really are disabled and not just being lazy and not wanting to work.  Someone who hardly ever sees friends because they don't feel well enough to go anywhere.  Someone who you can't stand to ask how they're feeling because the answer is always negative, and you don't know what to say.
Feel free to play this while reading.

I am so sick.  I'm sick of being sick.  I'm sick of being in pain.  I'm sick of being so fatigued I can't walk up a flight of stairs, or do a load of laundry, or make my bed, or take a shower without it wearing me out.  I'm sick of dealing with doctors.  I'm sick of not being able to work.  I'm sick of being poor.  I'm sick of being lonely.  I'm sick of trying to convince people I'm sick.  I'm sick of needing help and not getting it.  I'm sick of needing support from (certain) family and friends and not getting it.  I'm sick of having to rely on other people all the time.  I'm sick of acting like I'm fine when I'm not just so people won't have to listen to be bitch, because I know they're sick of listening to me bitch.  I am really sick of it all.

So, for Christmas this year, I don't want to be healed, because I know that's not going to happen.  I would however, like to be understood.  Or, I would like to be approved for social security disability so we can be less in the hole every month.  Or, I would like more company every now and then.  Or, I would like to hear from (certain) family and friends more often.  Or, I would like help with things around the house or the kids.  Or, a better paying job for my husband. Or... Or... Or...

I would just love for things to start finally looking up.  Just one good thing.  Please.

I know, things could be much worse.  I understand that.  I am very grateful for the things I do have.  I am grateful that my kids are healthy.  I am grateful that my husband has A job, even if it doesn't pay crap.  I am grateful that we haven't lost our house yet.  I am grateful that my parents have been able to help us as much as they have.

However, this is my pity party, and I'll cry if I want to.  You would cry too, if it happened to you.

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