Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Life, or lack there of

WHY???  Why me?  Why did this have to happen?

I don't want this shit called mito anymore.  I'm done with it.  It needs to move on to the next person, or ant or rock or something.  I had a fucking life.  Mito stole it from me.  I had hopes... dreams... plans.  Once again, mito took those away from me.

I had a job.  A job that I loved none-the-less.  I had friends.  I had hobbies.  I had fun.  I was beautiful.  I ran.  I LOVED to run.   I loved completing races.  I was a good mom.  I was a good nurse.  I was proud of myself. I was happy with my life.

I had goals.  I had plans.  I had hopes and dreams.  I was going to do something with my life.  I was going to travel, a lot.  I was going to go back to school for my masters.  I was going to adopt an older child who had been in the foster care system most of their life and needed a family to love them.  I was going to save money to send both of my daughters to college.

I want my life back.  I want A life.  I have my family.  Other than that, I have nothing.  I have no life.  My life is mito.  Mito is my life.  Doctors appointments, medical tests, laying in bed, laying on the couch, pain, nausea, fatigue, weakness, feeling really sick, feeling kinda sick, feeling a little bit sick.  That's my life.  Day in.  Day out.

I'm not happy.  I pretend that I'm happy everyday.  If I start to think about something that gets me down, I very quickly think about something else.  I just don't think about the fact that there is no meaning in my life.  I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy.  Far from it.  However,  I fake it well.

I'm 33 years old and my life is over.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have a daughter, 15, who has suffered with dysautonomia for 4 1/2 years. We can identify with so many of your blogs. She is bed-ridden, has not gone to school in 2 years and is fed through a stomach tube.
But she is amazing! I can understand how down you can get when you dwell on all that has been taken away. My daughter is an inspiration to me. She is positive, and tough and optimistic--and she will beat this. We are blessed in so many ways. It sounds like you have an amazing family. Be grateful. (easy for me to say). All the best.