Today has been an okay day.  I have been keeping myself very busy.  I have pushed myself to keep busy, even though I have physically felt awful.  The physical symptoms I can deal with.  I can sit and rest.  I can take pain meds.  I can distract myself with stupid mindless games on facebook.  The emotional stuff can be tough, though.  I have a hard time turning off my brain.  There aren't meds to make that stuff go away.  Well, there are, but they are either illegal or I don't have a prescription for them.

To my true friends, the people who have been there for me and supported me from day one of this whole crappy ordeal...  I appreciate each and every one of you.  Most of all, I just want to say thank you for still being there.  Thank you for realizing that I am going through a rough patch right now and I might not be myself.  I might not be the same kind, happy person I was before all of this started.  But I will return to that.  I am returning to that, slowly but surely.  My true friends know that I have been having a hard time dealing with the changes in my life so I may say things out of anger, frustration, sadness, or just because I am crying out for support.

I am so thankful that I have friends who may not truly understand what I'm going through, but they try.  They are there for me.  I just want to say thank you to Jenn, Donna, Dawn, Kerri, Michelle, Jane, my mom and my best friend of all, Chris.  You have all dealt with me being crabby for the last year and understood why I have been that way.  You have all been an excellent support system.  I don't know what I would do without you all.

On another note...  I was trolling the forums on dinet.org (the dysautonomia website) today and I found a thread that was just started yesterday by someone asking everyone if they are able to work and if people had to change careers.  It was so interesting what the responses were.  Six out of the fifteen who responded are nurses!  Like I said, interesting.  Someone had brought up that maybe so many of us are nurses because it's so hard to get a diagnosis of dysautonomia, so it takes someone who's in the medical field to push through all of the bullshit. 

After I posted my response, I received a very nice message from one of the nurses on the forum (let's call her Susie, until she wants to make herself known).  She really helped because she made me feel like I'm not alone.  She was a PACU nurse when she started getting sick.  Susie went through the same thing with her coworkers in that she didn't get support from people who she thought were her friends. 

I would like to share something that Susie said to me, because through my emotions and my brain fog, I couldn't say it as well.  "Nursing is a career that really defines the person who is good at it. It wasn't just something that I did, it was who I was." - anonymous (unless she wants to claim it :-)

I felt like I was good at nursing.  It wasn't something that I did, it was who I was.

I was also a mother, a wife, and a runner.  At this time, I am not a nurse.  I am not a runner.  I am still a mother, but not the kind I would like to be.

I wanted to use Susie's quote to help you all understand a little more why I was so bothered by the interaction I had yesterday.

I will leave you with a picture of me at work...

Insert explative here

I had removed this post for a couple of weeks after I wrote it.  I am putting it back.  I had removed it because a couple of people, to be unnamed, had told me that it was a very bad idea to have it here.  However, I feel like there is no reason to censor myself.  I am going through enough in my life right now.  The last thing I need to do is to be careful about saying what I feel.  Therefore, here it is again, for your reading pleasure (or maybe not).

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To those of you who don't want to listen to me rant, please stop reading now.  To anyone who is not a true friend, loving family member, or random blog reader that I've never met in my life, please stop reading now. If you don't want to read a thousand page post, stop reading now. (I added that last sentence when I finished, because it is pretty long.)

Today has been a very tough day and I really need to vent.  Before I do so, let me start with some history so that the random blog readers can understand what I'm talking about.

A little over a year ago I started to get sick.  It started with headaches.  Those headaches slowly progressed from one a week to 24/7 5 out of 10 pain.  All the while, I was working as an ER RN at a local hospital.  I have been an employee of that hospital for 6 1/2 years now.  (So 5 1/2 at the time I started getting sick.)  I was going to neurologist after neurologist, endocrinologists, ENTs, etc. to find out what was wrong with me.  Once again, still working 3-4 twelve hour shifts as a nurse at a moderately busy ER.

Now, a little more about my job/career.  I had worked in the ER for 2 1/2 years and absolutely loved it.  I finally knew what I wanted to do.  I had originally planned on going back to school to get my master's degree but decided I wouldn't do that (at least for quite a while) because I like being an ER nurse so much.  I also loved all of my coworkers.  I had my differences with a few of them, but nothing we never worked around.  I felt like the ER staff was like my second family.  They had even helped my family through Christmas one year because my husband had lost his job.

When I stopped working because I just couldn't stand to be there anymore because of my headaches, I assumed I would figure out what was wrong and go back to work.  Unfortunately, things got worse.  I started having a lot more symptoms.  After I was diagnosed in March, I had to give up my position.  I, however, thought that I would be back as soon as I got better (which I was told would be 6 months to a year).  In the meantime, I wanted to try to pick up shifts as a unit secretary, or anywhere else they could fit me in.

I really didn't think this was going to be a problem since I was a good nurse, and a good employee.  In the 5+ years I was there, I went to almost every staff meeting, I volunteered for committees, I picked up shifts when they needed me, and most of the time I worked harder than half of the nurses in that hospital.  I have been told by numerous people that I was a good nurse.  I worked my ass off.

Once I got sick, of course I changed.  I had a fucking headache ALL the time.  I had no idea why.  I was also exhausted all the time.  So, can you believe it???  I was fucking cranky.  Wouldn't you be cranky if you had a headache 24/7?  Working as an ER nurse is not an easy job to begin with.  So I'm terribly sorry if I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around for a couple of months.  About one day a week I was almost in tears at work all day because I felt so shitty.

When I left for medical leave, I hardly heard a word from the people I thought were my friends.  As I said before, my symptoms continued to add up, but my "friends" weren't calling to see how I was doing.  They weren't calling to see if they could do something to help.  Nothing.  Not a word.  I didn't expect a lot.  Maybe the occasional email, facebook message, wall post, anything.  All the while, I was having test after test, I was admitted to the hospital, and was trying ruthlessly to get into the Mayo clinic.  In addition to all of that, I felt like crap!  I really needed support.

After my diagnosis and return from Mayo, I went through a pretty bad depression period.  I had lost my job, my career, my ability to be active (as I was a VERY active person), as well as knowing that people who I thought cared about me, really didn't.  If they did, they weren't acting like it.  I have been through a lot in my life, but this was really getting to me.  My whole life revolved around my kids and husband, my job, and running.  I have lost 2 out of 3 of those things.  Including a lot of my independence, since I can't even take care of my kids and my house without someone's help. 

During this time period I tried to start working as a secretary in the ER.  I was told that I could probably do so.  However, I was pulled aside by my former boss and informed that I needed to be careful because I was pretty "crabby" before I left and a lot of people in the ER had problems with me because I was so "crabby".  I was told that he was just giving me a heads up.  He told me that a lot of people had complained to him before I left about how crabby I was.  I think he used the word "crabby" almost ten times during this conversation.

Now tell me, if you were dealing with a life changing event, you hadn't really felt like your friends were there for you, you were already depressed and someone told you that, how would you feel?  Needless to say, I was hurt. 

Soon after that (a couple of weeks later), I had decided to push through it and go ahead and contact human resources about picking up shifts as a secretary.  I was informed that I couldn't (policies and bureaucratic reasons).  I was told this by the very abrupt and not so friendly HR person.  It was not explained very well at the time why I couldn't.  Therefore, I took it somewhat personally.  In hindsight, some of this was because of my mental state at the time.  After both of those things happened, and I had already felt betrayed by my "second family", I made a couple of comments on facebook.  Once again, in hindsight, that was my way of saying "Hey, everyone out there (especially my work "friends"), I'm depressed and can't really deal with anymore rejection.  Please tell me it'll be okay.  Please tell me you understand and you're there fore me."

I am looking back on my facebook to see what I wrote and it's amazing the difference in my status updates from then until now (and prior to then).  It's so obvious, to me at least, that I was depressed.  So here are the comments I made - "Six years of hard work, dedication and friendship and now I'm nothing more than a 'crabby' pain in the ass!"  The next day I posted  - "Robin needs to realize I can't make people care who don't... and move on."

Those are only two of the many comments I made.  Those applied to people at work.  The rest were obvious (okay, obvious to me) that I was depressed, or at the very least, having a very hard time going through what I was going through (and still am).  Examples - "Robin really, really, really wants to be back to myself again.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this?", "Robin really needs something good to happen for a change..", and "Robin is just not feelin' it".

A few weeks ago I was told by one of the two people I actually still consider a friend from the ER to call my old boss and talk to him about working as a secretary.  She thought he was going to let me start doing so.  I called him.  For the second time since I left there, it took him 2 weeks to call me back.  The first time was when he called me back to tell me that I couldn't work as a secretary.  I had commented on someone's facebook status (she was asking if someone could pick up a few hours for her), that I might be able to if he would ever call me back.

Okay, now that you have the extremely long history, here's what happened today.  I was informed, again by an actual friend that still works in the ER, who has been very helpful throughout this whole thing, that there was a job that I could do that would be perfect for me.  It would require almost all sitting and it would only be for 8 hours in a day.  I am currently having to work 12 hour shifts as a monitor tech, which are killing me.  She told me to talk to my old boss before I left today (I was getting off early).  So, even though I felt like crap and I was having one of my "bad days", I decided to go ahead and talk to him.  I am now regretting that decision.

When I first talked to him he said I could pick up the 8 hour shifts.  However, he then led me outside to talk further.  He then proceeded to explain that he had heard through the grapevine about my posts on facebook.   The posts he was referring to are the one's above about "six years of hard work..." and about him not calling me back.  He stood by the other boss's statement about me being crabby and that he was just trying to help.  I explained that the way it was handled was unprofessional.  I also explained that I have been going through a lot of shit and I was very hurt by the things that were said to me and the that the statements on facebook were not all directed at him or the other boss.  I also explained that what I say on facebook is my private life.  I understand that I should have been more professional, but they should have been as well.  In addition to that, I was asking for some understanding in what I'm going through.  I didn't get it.  In the end, I said "if you don't want me to fill those holes..." and he said "I think that it would be better if you didn't right now."

In other words, just like I thought, I am not welcome back down there.  I have been feeling that that was the case since I was told I was "crabby".  That is why it takes 2 weeks to return my phone calls every time I call.  That is why he has not done anything to allow me to work there again.  That is why I had given up on trying to work down there a couple of weeks ago after it took him so long to get back to me (for the second time).  He has made it abundantly clear that he does not like me and does not want me to work there anymore.

The only reason I stayed on at the hospital is so that I could work my way back into being a RN and in the ER.  I thought I had the support of my fellow ER staff.  Obviously I was wrong.

I am so hurt and angered by what happened today.  I am being judged by things I said on facebook almost 6 months ago.  I am being judged on my attitude at work the last couple of months I worked as a nurse, over a year ago, at which time I was having problems with my illness.  I am hurt because I am no longer looked at as a good nurse, solely because of things that have happened outside of work, and because of the way I was for 2 months out of the 6 years I've been there.  Do the first 5 years of hard work and dedication count for nothing?  Evidently so.

I was still hanging on to the thought of going back to being an ER nurse.  Due to my health not improving to the point that I thought it would and now this, I feel like that hope is gone.  Even if I do go back to being an ER nurse someday, I will not be returning to the place I once called "home".  I feel betrayed that my "friends" not only decided not to be there for me during my time of need, but that they also took what I said on facebook, in a time of despair, and used it against me.  All I became was someone they could gossip about, including to the boss.  How low is that?  Here I was, trying to reach out, and what I got in return was a slap in the face.  I was there for those people when they needed someone, as well as I could be, and when I needed someone, they not only turn their backs, but they also make a bad situation into a horrible one.  They made someone who already feels depressed about their situation, even more so.

Now, the whole reason he pulled me aside today was to get on me about things I said on facebook or my blog.  So, why am I posting even more details of my feelings on my blog, you ask?  Well, because I don't give a fuck anymore.  I was making general statements about my feelings on facebook.  (except for the comment about my former boss calling me back, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that statement at all)  So if I'm going to get judged and berated for generalized statements I said on facebook, I might as well just get it all out in the open. 

I am pissed, but most of all, I am hurt.  Very hurt.

Diet, Day 2

Well, I have continued my "detox diet" through today, well until dinner.  I have done fairly well, I think.
Here is what I have eaten since my last post...

Dinner Sunday night: I ended up eating a salmon filet and a baked potato.
Breakfast this morning (Monday):  Strawberries, banana and coffee. 
Lunch today:  Brown rice, and some very yummy zucchini oven chips. Here's the link to the recipe - Zucchini Oven Chips
Afternoon Snack - Protein shake consisting of 1 tbsp peanut butter, about 3/4 cup milk, ice, and 1 scoop of chocolate whey protein powder
Dinner - Pork chop, baked potato, and peaches

Obviously I didn't follow the diet to a T.  I went out to a comedy club with my husband last night, and I had a Smirnoff while we were there.  I couldn't resist.  The peanut butter and milk in my protein shake were not on the official detox diet, neither was the bread crumbs on the zucchini chips or the pork chop.  So I guess you can say it's not really a true "detox diet".  I don't, however, feel that "detoxing" your body is necessary.  My goals of this diet are to eat healthier, include more fresh fruits and vegetables in my diet, and test my body's reaction to eating healthier. 

I have already learned a lot in just the 2 1/2 days that I've been on this diet.  I have learned that my digestive problems may not get a lot better just because of my change in eating habits.  I have continued to have problems with bloating and reflux.  It really surprises me that I have had so many problems with reflux since I have not eaten anything fattening or spicy in any way.  I have also learned that I need protein.  My problems with fatigue and muscle weakness are definitely worse when I haven't had any protein.  After my protein shake today, I felt much better.  I seemed to have a lot more energy (relatively) than I have when I ate only carbohydrates. 

I am going to try to continue eating healthier.  I am working two days this week so I will have to make sure I have enough energy to work a twelve hour shift x2.  Those are extremely tough for me as it is.  Therefore, I am not going to continue to the extreme that I have been doing for the last couple of days.

I probably won't post again for a few days since I am working Tuesday and Thursday.  I am pretty sure I'm not going to have the energy to even type a post until at least Sat.  I hope you all are well, thanks for reading.

Detox Diet

One of my many symptoms that I experience daily is abdominal bloating, distention, and constipation.  (I promise, this post isn't going to be about poop.  So stick with me here.)  Yesterday I decided to start myself on a "detox diet".

You see, I had gone out to eat on Friday night with my grandparents.  I was starving by the time we got there so everything on the menu looked good.  Being the junk food junkie that I am, I ended up pigging out on "bar food", you know, mozzarella sticks, hamburgers, chips and dip, etc.  Almost all day on Saturday I felt awful.  I was bloated even more than normal.  I decided I needed to make a change.

I researched detox diets online and found some interesting information.  I decided, as hard as it may be, to go on a "gentle" detox diet for a couple of days.  I didn't want to be too strict about it because I think that would be too much of a change for my body to handle.  I hardly eat vegetables and fruit as it is and recently I have been eating what seems like nothing but crap (it's easier and cheaper).  In addition to the fear that it would be a shock to my system, I also didn't think I would be able do the full detox diet.

Basically, the diet consists of primarily fruits and vegetables, rice (brown rice is preferred), beans (which I won't eat),  nuts and seeds (no peanuts or peanut butter), and extra virgin olive oil.  Depending on the source, fish is also allowed in moderation.
Things that are not allowed include sugar, dairy products, eggs, gluten, caffeinated beverages, alcohol, and high-fat foods.

I got almost all of my information from about.com.
Here is the link to the basic info about the diet -
The Detox Diet

Foods you can eat

Foods to Avoid

Now, like I said, I have not followed it exactly.  I cannot eat vegetables without butter, Parmesan cheese, or the like.  I will also not give up my morning coffee completely.  I have not, however, had my afternoon caffeinated beverage yesterday or today. 

Here is my diet thus far...
Dinner last night - roasted broccoli, strawberries, and guacamole (This is where I cheated and ate tortilla chips.  I was cutting the avocados and tomatoes and realized I needed something to eat my guacamole with.. oops!) I ate those three things about an hour apart from each other.

Breakfast today - strawberries and bananas, coffee
Snack -1/2 apple
Lunch - 1 cup of brown rice and 2 ears of corn on the cob (yes, with butter, well, margarine)
Snack - The rest of the guacamole and some chips
For Dinner I plan on having more whole wheat rice and a salmon fillet. I haven't decided what vegetable I will have with it.

I have also been drinking lots and lots of water, but I always do that. I haven't had any sugar what-so-ever.  There is even a small package of M&Ms sitting in front of me right now and I am successfully resisting the urge to eat them.
The most important thing that I've been doing is to always eat when I'm hungry.  I am eating very frequently.

So far, I'm tolerating it fairly well.  I have had more of a headache today than normal and my energy level is low.  However, those are both normal symptoms for me so it's hard to tell if it's the diet or my POTS.

I am only planning on doing this for a couple of days. I have to work on Tuesday and I'm going to need all the energy I can get for that.  If it's still going really well tomorrow, and I have the energy to fix my food ahead of time, then I'll try to continue the diet longer.  Otherwise, I will finish it Monday night.  That will be 2 1/2 days of eating healthier than I usually do in a two week period. 

I will let you know how it goes.

No Sleep Till.... Brooklyn

It's 11 o'clock and I should be in bed. Well, I was in bed, but I just laid there with my eyes wide open unable to turn off my head. I have been having that problem a lot lately. Soooooo.... I decided to get out of bed and ramble on about all the crap that's going through my head on my blog.

Fore warning, this post may not be the most entertaining since it is 11pm. My wit went to sleep awhile ago. The rest of me just has yet to follow.

I do, however, have some news to talk about. I went back to the neuromuscular specialist today. As you may remember from my previous posts, I had seen him in August. He wanted me to see a pulmonologist there at KUMed, even though I had already seen one. I saw the pulmonologist at the end of last week. Here's a big surprise, she said my lungs look great. (I already knew that from all of the other tests that I've already had done on my lungs.) I went into the appointment today armed and ready with my list of questions as well as information I have received over the last couple of months from fellow POTSies and Dr. Google. I had planned on discussing having a muscle biopsy with him today. Interestingly enough, he suggested it before I even said anything about it. When he suggested that I have one done, I told him about a doctor in Atlanta that someone recommended. I was told that he's the best and he also does fresh tissue muscle biopsies, which are the best. Dr. Dick, the doctor I saw today, said that he didn't think there would be any need for me to go there. He said, "let me see if one of the neuromuscular specialists can come in and visit with you." I thought, "WHAT?" I thought he WAS a neuromuscular specialist. After all, I got his name off of the muscular dystrophy association website and the KUMed website said that one of things he specializes in is neuromuscular disorders. Hmmm

Anyway... The other doctor came in the room and was nice enough to spend 5-10 minutes talking with me as well as doing a quick exam. She proceeded to tell me (I'm going to really paraphrase here) that there's a 1% chance of me having blah blah blah, yada yada yada, or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Okay, in other words, I had never heard of the diseases she was naming off. She said that even if I was diagnosed, there's nothing that can be done anyway. However, she then proceeded to tell me that if I want to rule out a mitochondrial myopathy, which I do, then I would need to go somewhere to have a fresh tissue muscle biopsy. She told me about a place in Dallas, TX that does them and specializes in metabolic muscle diseases.

After the 2nd neurologist, the real neuromuscular specialist, left the room, Dr. Dick told me that he would give me a referral to whichever place I wanted to go for my muscle biopsy. We then discussed some blood work he was ordering. I have been getting petechial hemorrhages recently. I haven't had labs drawn since I was at Mayo last March, so he decided to check a few things out.

Well, it looks like I've reached Brooklyn. If I continue to discuss this with you further, I may fall.... zzzzzzzzz

Bleh!

Well, the title pretty much says it all.  Bleh! Other words that could be used are... Yuck. Meh. Blah.

The last few days I have felt awful.  My headache has been bad (worse than normal).  I've been nauseous,  dizzy, my muscles have been hurting worse than normal, and the ringing in my ears has been worse.  I have also had the energy of a slug.  Hmmm... Actually, I bet slugs have a lot of energy.  They would have to in order to get very far since they move so slowly.  Then again, maybe they don't have energy so that's why they move so slow.  Okay, so I've had the energy of a sloth.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  Over the last week, my symptoms, especially the fatigue, have increased.  I just don't understand it.  I have increased my water and gatorade intake. Yesterday I did nothing but rest, mostly in bed, thinking that I could build my energy level back up again.  No go!  I still feel awful.

My step-mom did mention this morning that my dad has had a virus that gave him a headache and kept him in bed for a couple of days.  "I don't have any congestion or other signs of a virus, though," I said.  She stated that he didn't either.  Well, I hope she's right.  I hope this is just a virus and will, therefore, go away in a couple of days.

If it's not, I will just have more to talk about when I go back to the neuromuscular doctor on Oct. 15th.  I see the pulmonologist he wanted me to see tomorrow.  I'm sure they won't find anything.  Just like the other pulmonologists I've already seen.

Now, keep in mind I'm not trying to score points.  I'm just whining because I to bitch every now and then or I will explode... and you are an innocent bystander.

Where did everyone go?

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher, refilling the dishwasher, taking out the trash, feeding the dog, etc. when I realized, I really don't have the energy for this.  In addition to the lack of energy, every time I bent over to do something, I had sharp pains in my glutes/lower back (along with the constant pain I have in all of the muscles in my lower extremities).  "So sit down and quit doing those things", you say?  Well, that's what my husband would say.  But that's easier said than done.  Those things need to get done.  The dishes were overflowing in the sink, it's trash day, and the dog was completely out of food and water.

I try.  I try to push through the pain and fatigue.  Most of the time I am successful.  However, as my last weeks' post says, pushing through it just makes me feel worse.  I have been "pushing through it" a lot recently and my need for pain meds has increased as well.  Correlation?  I think so.

You know it's interesting.  We had people coming over and helping us with things on occasion a few months ago.  With 2 girls, 11 and 4 years old, a dog, Chris working full-time (and then some), and me unable to do much because of my illness, we could really use some help.  But it seems to have faded away.

I posted something on my blog previously about how I'm becoming a great liar.  By that, I mean that just because I look like I'm feeling better, doesn't always mean I'm feeling better.  I feel like people are constantly thinking (and sometimes saying), "but you don't look sick."  Well, nothing's changed.  I still have POTS (Dysautonomia).  I do have good days.  The problem is, a "good" day means I can get up off the couch.  It doesn't mean, however, that I can sweep and mop the floors (which hasn't been done in months, ew!), that I can do 3-5 loads of laundry, fix dinner, take my 11 year old to and from soccer practice, and take care of my very stubborn and independent 4 year old by myself.  Unfortunately, that is what needs to be done.  So, if that's what needs to be done, Chris is at work, and I can't even do those things on a "good" day, how does it get done?  That's a great question!  It doesn't!

It was really helpful when people were bringing us dinner from time to time or coming over to help with laundry or cleaning or whatever else needs to be done.  Unfortunately, that hasn't happened in quite a while now.

Maybe I need to quit faking it.  Maybe I need to complain more.  Maybe I need to quit doing things that I really don't have the energy to do, or that I know will make me feel completely awful later if I do them.

If I quit faking it and start complaining more again then people are going to get sick of hearing it.  Hell, I get sick of hearing it and it's coming out of my mouth.  It makes me feel better to fake it.  I don't want to act sick all the time.  I don't want my whole life revolved around my illness.  Which means, I don't want to talk about it.  BUT, that doesn't mean it's not still there.  I still have to live with it.

If I quit doing things that I really don't have the energy to do and things that will make me feel awful, then they won't get done.  Even my husband has slowed down on doing things around the house.

Basically, people are expecting so much more out of me than what I have to give.  Or maybe everyone is just too "busy". (Look!  It's my favorite word!)

So what am I supposed to do?  Do the things that need to get done and make myself feel awful?  Or leave them for someone else; someone else who isn't there?



On a side note....
I logged on to my blog in order to write this post this morning when I read another blog that I frequent.  I wanted to share it with my readers as well because I COMPLETELY understand where she's coming from.  Please pay special attention to her list of things that are exhausting to her. (She also has POTS/dysautonomia)

Living with Bob - Fatigue

Also, please take the time to read "The Spoon Theory".  The link is on the right of my page as well as below.

The Spoon Theory

A New Theory

So, earlier this week I thought "I'm going to try something different."

You see, it seems to always be the same routine for me.  Good day, okay day, bad day, good day, okay day... Well, you get the idea.  Even my 4 year-old can figure out that pattern.  Usually what happens is that I have a good day, usually on Mondays because my husband has been around to help with stuff around the house and make me sit more often over the weekends.  When I'm having a good day I take full advantage of it; as in doing as many chores (laundry, picking up, running errands, etc.) as my body will let me.  I will still sit and rest in between knowing full well that I don't want to over do it.  Then, the next day, I feel pretty crappy.  And the day after that, even crappier (is that a word?).  So I usually listen to my body and sit/lay on the couch for those days.

This week, I wanted to try something different.  Monday was an excellent day.  I felt like a had a ton of energy (compared to most of my days recently, not compared to the way I was a year ago).  I have a lot of stuff to get done right now because I am putting all of my daughters' old clothes and baby items in a consignment sale that I have to get ready.  Therefore, on Tuesday, even though I had a whole lot less energy and my legs/hips were starting to feel bad, I pushed myself to do stuff.  On Wednesday, I felt even worse, and was in a decent amount of pain.  However, I went ahead and continued to work through it.

My theory was this...  Maybe I get fatigued and sore after I have a busy day.  Then I sit/lay all day the next day which keeps my muscles tight, and therefore, painful.  I also know that exercise gives you energy.  So I thought that maybe I was just feeling more fatigued because I was just sitting around, instead of pushing through it, like I used to do when I was a runner. So, to solve this problem, I just need to push through the pain in my lower extremities and the fatigue.

Those of you with POTS, or a similar chronic condition, probably know what the results of my mini-study were.  But thank you for not ruining it for all those healthy people out there reading this by telling them the results ahead of time.

Guess what?!?!  It didn't work.  Today is Friday and I have tried to push through my fatigue and pain almost all week.  However, the amount I was able to do decreased with each day and my fatigue and pain increased each day.  Yesterday I barely did anything, but I still didn't sit/lay ALL day.  Now, today, I feel like my legs have a 20lb. weight on each and I'm already ready for pain meds (I usually wait until evening to take them because I don't want to take them very often).  I had to go downstairs to get something this morning and I had to stop and rest halfway up the stairs when I came back up. 

It's things like this that really make me feel like POTS is not the only thing going on.  But that's a whole other topic that I will have to address some other time.