Monday, October 4, 2010

Where did everyone go?

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher, refilling the dishwasher, taking out the trash, feeding the dog, etc. when I realized, I really don't have the energy for this.  In addition to the lack of energy, every time I bent over to do something, I had sharp pains in my glutes/lower back (along with the constant pain I have in all of the muscles in my lower extremities).  "So sit down and quit doing those things", you say?  Well, that's what my husband would say.  But that's easier said than done.  Those things need to get done.  The dishes were overflowing in the sink, it's trash day, and the dog was completely out of food and water.

I try.  I try to push through the pain and fatigue.  Most of the time I am successful.  However, as my last weeks' post says, pushing through it just makes me feel worse.  I have been "pushing through it" a lot recently and my need for pain meds has increased as well.  Correlation?  I think so.

You know it's interesting.  We had people coming over and helping us with things on occasion a few months ago.  With 2 girls, 11 and 4 years old, a dog, Chris working full-time (and then some), and me unable to do much because of my illness, we could really use some help.  But it seems to have faded away.

I posted something on my blog previously about how I'm becoming a great liar.  By that, I mean that just because I look like I'm feeling better, doesn't always mean I'm feeling better.  I feel like people are constantly thinking (and sometimes saying), "but you don't look sick."  Well, nothing's changed.  I still have POTS (Dysautonomia).  I do have good days.  The problem is, a "good" day means I can get up off the couch.  It doesn't mean, however, that I can sweep and mop the floors (which hasn't been done in months, ew!), that I can do 3-5 loads of laundry, fix dinner, take my 11 year old to and from soccer practice, and take care of my very stubborn and independent 4 year old by myself.  Unfortunately, that is what needs to be done.  So, if that's what needs to be done, Chris is at work, and I can't even do those things on a "good" day, how does it get done?  That's a great question!  It doesn't!

It was really helpful when people were bringing us dinner from time to time or coming over to help with laundry or cleaning or whatever else needs to be done.  Unfortunately, that hasn't happened in quite a while now.

Maybe I need to quit faking it.  Maybe I need to complain more.  Maybe I need to quit doing things that I really don't have the energy to do, or that I know will make me feel completely awful later if I do them.

If I quit faking it and start complaining more again then people are going to get sick of hearing it.  Hell, I get sick of hearing it and it's coming out of my mouth.  It makes me feel better to fake it.  I don't want to act sick all the time.  I don't want my whole life revolved around my illness.  Which means, I don't want to talk about it.  BUT, that doesn't mean it's not still there.  I still have to live with it.

If I quit doing things that I really don't have the energy to do and things that will make me feel awful, then they won't get done.  Even my husband has slowed down on doing things around the house.

Basically, people are expecting so much more out of me than what I have to give.  Or maybe everyone is just too "busy". (Look!  It's my favorite word!)

So what am I supposed to do?  Do the things that need to get done and make myself feel awful?  Or leave them for someone else; someone else who isn't there?

On a side note....
I logged on to my blog in order to write this post this morning when I read another blog that I frequent.  I wanted to share it with my readers as well because I COMPLETELY understand where she's coming from.  Please pay special attention to her list of things that are exhausting to her. (She also has POTS/dysautonomia)

Living with Bob - Fatigue

Also, please take the time to read "The Spoon Theory".  The link is on the right of my page as well as below.

The Spoon Theory

1 comment:

Michelle Roger said...

Thanks for the shout out :) My husband and I had this conversation the other day. I don't know whether it's I try and put on my good face so no one realises how ill I am or if it's caring fatigue from others. If you have an acute illness people can identify the need and act to help you get through. When you are chronically ill (and you don't meet normal sick expectations) it seems too much for others to keep on with the helping hand. I had a friend point out I was sick all the time when I told her the last few months had been particularly rough. She couldn't get what I was saying as my being sick was just white noise to her now. Weirdly when I said I was going in for surgery for my jugular she offered to help out straight away. That she could relate to and deal with. Frustrates me all the time.