Wednesday, August 21, 2013

My Last Blog Post

This is my last blog/facebook post.

I have finally hit rock bottom.  I’m done.  I can’t do it anymore.  I have been holding myself up by a thread for a very long time and that thread finally broke earlier this week. 

Am I going to leave this world by my own hands?  No.  There are 3 people in this world who would be greatly affected if that were to happen, my husband and my two daughters.  That is the reason, the only reason, why that will not happen.

However, I don’t have it in me anymore to continue fighting.  I have been fighting for 3 and a half years now and it has gotten me nowhere.

No one has any idea how hard it is to live, day in and day out, feeling physically and mentally horrible.  I have to fight to get out of bed.  I have to fight to have relationships with friends and family.  I have to fight to care for my children.  I have to fight to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter, cousin, etc. I have to fight to keep the tears away everyday and put a smile on my face for everyone else to see.  It takes twice as much energy as it ever did when I was healthy just to live my life.  Every day is a fight and I can’t do it anymore. 

I try and try and try but no one but me sees that.  If they do, I wouldn’t know because the only things I hear about are the negative things I do.  (Except for the occasion facebook friend that I’ve never met in my life giving me praise.)

I have tried to ignore how miserable I am.  I have tried to be positive since that’s what everyone thinks I need to do.  I put on a fake smile and act like everything’s okay… like I’m okay.  I pretend that I don’t hate my body because of the way I feel and now look.  I pretend that I’m okay with being fat since “it’s not my fault since I can’t exercise in any way (even a walk around the block)”.  It IS my fault.  I eat like crap.  Why?  Because I am miserable… physically AND mentally.  That smile on my face is fake.  I can count on one hand, and still have fingers left over, the number of days I’ve been genuinely happy in the last 3 ½ years. Any other time there’s a smile on my face it’s all an act. My husband has told me I should win an Oscar since he’s the only one who can even come close to knowing how I actually feel.

I have tried to find things to do to make me happy.  I have tried to make my life worthwhile.  As a nurse I loved to help people.  I still do.  That’s why I still try to help others all the time.  That’s also why I have spent hundreds upon hundreds of hours, no matter how horrible I felt, trying to raise money for the charity UMDF.  Would it benefit me if they found a treatment/cure?  Sure.  But I’m always thinking about all of those children and others who are suffering from this disease more than I am, or those parents who have lost a child to Mitochondrial Disease.  Since my diagnosis, I have raised over $15K for UMDF.  That doesn’t count the fact that I planned the charity walk with little help last year but still raised over $47K ($20K more than what was raised the previous year).  This year alone I have planned and will implement 4 different fundraisers. I also tried starting a business by selling my homemade jewelry.  I even donated 20% of my proceeds to UMDF, despite the fact that my husband and I need the money for medical bills, medicines, etc.   All of that while dealing with a disease that makes me feel physically and mentally ill on a daily basis, with more bad days than good.  But none of that matters.

I have tried to improve relationships with friends, family, etc. since one of the biggest problems I’ve had since I got sick is relationships with others.  I quit talking about my disease and how I feel because I didn’t think others wanted to hear it.  I make myself sick to help other people in their lives.  I do things that I don’t feel well enough to do so that I don’t have to bother others for their help. 

I didn’t start out this way.  However, over time I thought that maybe the lack of support was because of me… something I was doing.  So I changed.  I tried my best to pretend that I wasn’t sick.  I thought, “I can’t change everyone else, so I’ll change myself to make things better.”  I thought that maybe if I treated everyone the way I would want to be treated that I would get the same in return.  Maybe if I go out of my way to help others, despite needing help myself, then others would be there for me.  You know the old saying, “treat others the way you would like to be treated.”

I was having difficulty getting support from friends and some of them (anonymously via my blog) blamed it on me.  So I took it to heart.  I decided that I would concentrate on becoming a better friend myself.  My friends were rarely contacting me so I decided to contact them all the time, no matter how much that hurt my self esteem.  My friends weren’t coming around to help or support me, so I tried harder to do so for them (new and old).  I even made a new friend around that same time.  I went above and beyond for this person thinking that maybe it was just too late for the others.  That I had done something (I never knew what, though) to make my friends not want to be there for me.

None of it mattered.  No matter what I’ve done, nothing changed.  I have lost 3-4 friends since I decided to change the way I did things.  Two of which I just stopped trying and I, therefore, never heard from them again.  The third, I let her know that I couldn’t keep going through a one sided friendship.  That’s the friendship that I put my all into.  I ignored how I felt in order to make sure I was a good friend for her but never felt love or support in return.  I just couldn’t keep doing it anymore.

That’s just my friends.  Then there’s family.  Oh, lovely family.  You know… the people who are supposed to always be there for you when times are tough… the people who are supposed to be there for you when no one else is.  Well, in my family that’s a crock of shit.

I go months without seeing most members of my family.  Many of them would go 6 or more months without even asking how I’m doing if I didn’t initiate the conversation.  I’m not even talking about how long many of them go without helping.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many family members who do help.  However, I have learned that for some of them, close ones, that help is conditional and will most likely be used against me at one time or another. 

I do not want help from anyone.  I never have.  Unfortunately, we have needed it.

However, from now on, we will very rarely be accepting help.  I have learned that even those who I think are helping for the right reasons are not… that the help that we’ve received will only be held over our heads later.    

I do NOT want help from anyone, anymore.  We will find a way to do it on our own.  If receiving help from people means that I am then expected to be a doormat and let that person treat me however they please, I’ll pass.  Whether I do well or not without their help, I don’t care.  I do not want to ask for help and I especially do not want it if it’s conditional.

Recently I have decided to stand up for myself.  I was tired of always being a doormat so that people would be there for me.  Especially since nothing had changed.  No matter how good of a person I tried to be, it wasn’t good enough.   Evidently since I have received help from others I have to bend over and take whatever they want to give to me.   I’m not allowed to say something wrong, even if I admit it later and take it back.  I’m not allowed to be in a bad mood, you know, since I feel so wonderful all the time and my life is exactly what I want it to be.  If I receive help from family and/or friends, I have to be the nicest person in the world and never stand up for what I believe in because that might upset the people who have helped me.

Well, standing up for myself, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, has only caused me more problems.  That’s how I found out that much of the help I’ve received in conditional.  Of course, it was all done with love, but it’s conditional none-the-less.

I’ve been blamed for being heartless and uncaring.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be mad at people who have helped me.  I’ve been accused of being after people for their money (despite the fact that 100% of the money that I have received or would have received from that person went to charity).

I’ve learned that it’s all my fault.  It’s all me.  I’M the problem.  I should never have stood up for myself or my kids.  I should never be upset when people who I think care about me do something to hurt me, whether it's once or over and over and over again.

I’m sorry for doing everything I’ve ever done.  I’m sorry for standing up for myself, my kids, and the things I believe in.  I’m sorry for needing and accepting help.  I’m sorry for not letting people treat me however they want.  I’m sorry for being in a pissy mood 25% of the time that I should be in a pissy mood.  I’m sorry for being upset when people shit on me.  I’m sorry for needing help and support.  I’m sorry for accepting help.  I’m sorry for not being positive all the time.  I’m sorry for not being a better person.  I’m sorry for becoming fat and unattractive.  I’m sorry for not handling my shitty life the way others think I should.  Mostly, I’m just sorry for being me.

However, I’m sure the entire paragraph above will not show up because I never say I’m sorry.  I never admit that I’m wrong.

I will not leave this world on my own accord, no matter how much I want to.  I will not do that to my children or my husband, the 3 people who I believe love me unconditionally. Maybe my kids would be better off without me since I’m a shitty mother, but this is the decision I’m making for now. However, in the amount of time that I have left on this earth, which will not be until I’m old and grey because of my disease, I will no longer be trying to have or maintain relationships with people, try to help people, raise money for charities, or try to make myself a better person. I will live, day in and day out, just going through the motions.  I don’t have the energy or desire to do anything else anymore. 

(I have made a commitment to co-chair this year’s EFL walk and I will follow through on that commitment.  However, I will not be doing anything for my own team anymore.   If people truly want to donate and/or walk, they will do it without me hounding them constantly to do so.  I won’t be holding my breath for that anymore.)

FYI…  This post is directed at no one particular person.  This post is directed at everyone in my life.  There are many different people and situations that I refer to in this post.  If you feel like you’re one of them, you probably are.  I am also not posting this for attention as I will not be reading comments, texts, emails, etc. anyway.  So do not bother.  This post is not intended to start/continue drama.  This post is for informational purposes only for those who give a shit or want to continue pretending to give a shit, as they have for many years.  So if you don’t hear from me, or hear back from me, you now know why.

1 comment:

Mitomommy said...

Thank you for pouring out your heart. It's not easy to deal with all you are going through. I too suffer from Mito and know exactly how you feel. I too have lost friends, mainly I think because they don't want to be weighed down with a sick friend. My husband and two children are the only things that keep me going. If it weren't for my kids telling me to get up each day, I would probably never leave my bedroom except to eat. And I eat like crap too and hate the weight I have put on, but the food makes me feel better. Plus we crave sugar and carbs to make up for the loss of energy we experience all the time. It's all just an uphill battle. But your kiddos need you...they would not be better off with out you. They will one day suffer through their own struggles and will remember how you handled yours. Be that example for them so they can face their struggles with their heads up mom. Just do your best, that all we can do. Even when life sucks, which it does every day, just hug your babies and do it for them.