Work

If I haven't explained before, I am a Registered Nurse in the Emergency Room. Well, I used to be.

When I first started having problems my job/bosses really helped me out. They were really willing to work with me. I was so appreciative of that. When I was on medical leave, they saved my full-time position for me for multiple months when they didn't have to. I think part of the reason is because my shifts were being filled so it really wasn't affecting them negatively that I was gone. But, no matter the reason, I was very grateful. They said they would hold my position until May 1st and hopefully I would find out before then what was going on and whether or not I could return.

When I returned from Mayo the first of April, I informed my bosses what I had been diagnosed with and my prognosis. I let them know that the doctors said I should get better over the next few months but I would have to return to nursing, and being on my feet, slowly. Therefore, I would have to work four hour shifts, then eight, then twelve. I explained to them my plan to work as a monitor tech (a sitting position) for awhile while I got better. They were very receptive to my plan. They said they would be happy to have me back when I was ready to return and would do what it took for me to come back.

Now, two months later, evidently something has changed. I trained as monitor tech upstairs. However, the only shifts that are available are 12 hour night shifts. I struggled too much with a 12 hour day shift. It took me 2 days to recover from that. I just can't do a night shift. So I called the ER director to discuss picking up shifts as a unit secretary until some day shifts become available. Well, that's not going to be possible. He gave me a lot of reasons, that to me just sounded like an excuse. It's a lot of paperwork; it'll take a month or more to get it taken care of and by then there will be shifts upstairs; there's not a position open for US, and he'd have to create one; it's not in the budget; etc. etc. It's funny because when I talked to the other ER director, he said it wouldn't be a problem.

I think it's just time for me to put in my resignation. I almost wonder if that's what they want me to do.

The only problem... I am really having a tough time making that decision. I feel like if I quit my job, I'm giving in to my illness. I am not ready to make the decision that I am not going to get better soon enough to return to my job as an ER nurse. I also feel like if I quit, I am losing another part of me. Being an employee at that hospital is just one last part of me that I'm trying to hold on to. I am no longer a runner. I am no longer an ER nurse. I am no longer an active person. I am no longer an outgoing, happy person. I am no longer a thin, fit person. I am struggling to let go of that last part of me that is hanging on by a thread.