Life continues to beat me down

This is has been such a difficult month for me.  If you have read my blog recently you would already know that.  It hasn't gotten any better yet.

The most important thing that's happening right now is that my grandpa is dying.  He fell and broke his hip a month ago.  Most people are well aware of what that usually means for an elderly person.  It hasn't been any different for him.  Last Wednesday (6 days ago) we decided to put him on hospice.  He had failed his swallow study. When he was still doing well he specifically stated that he did not want to have a feeding tube.  So hospice was the only choice.

I have been trying so hard for the last few weeks to have enough energy to be there for him, my grandmother, my aunt, and my dad while also dealing with my own emotions.  It has, of course, been very difficult.

"Dealing with my own emotions" has not just included the extreme sadness I'm feeling from dealing with my grandpa dying (who I have always been very close to).  It's also because of everything else I'm going through at the moment.

I am still feeling very alone despite being around people day in and day out.  Maybe that's because I can't even pay someone to come take care of me and/or hang out with me.  As I said in a previous post, my parents have offered to pay someone to help me out.  I was definitely extremely happy about that.  Whether my grandpa is sick or not, I really need help and haven't been getting any.  I thought maybe being able to pay someone would help.

I have now had 3 people who were going to do it and all 3 times have fallen through.  One of the three bothered me the most.  A friend of mine who I met through the mito community (she has a son with mito) updated her status one day a couple of weeks ago that she's available to babysit if anyone needs help because she and her family were needing some extra money.  I sent her a message saying that she could come babysit me.  After we established that I was actually serious, she was very interested.  We worked out all of the details and decided when she would start.  On her start day she texted me to let me know that she was sick and couldn't make it.  I let her know that was okay.  A couple of days later I texted her to find out if she was still planning on coming the next week.  She never responded... twice.

Of all people to do that, I wouldn't expect it to be a friend.  I can see that happening with a complete stranger but not a friend.  I just can't believe she wouldn't even give me the respect of letting me know that she couldn't do it.  I would've understood if she would have just told me.

Since then I have had one other prospect and that fell through as well.  So... my family and friends are too busy to help me and/or even call me to make sure I'm doing okay when I've been sick a lot recently (3 major crashes in the last month).  And now I can't even pay someone to help.  I have needed help more than ever over the last month with being sick so often, dealing with a family member who does nothing but stress me out, and my grandpa being so sick and now dying soon.  You know, awhile ago I tried telling myself that I just need to accept that my family and friends are too busy to help, or in some cases, help on a regular basis.  Now I guess I just need to tell myself that I may not find someone I trust to pay to help either.

I am having an okay day today... so far.  However, I have not been doing well at all recently.  There's just only so much stress and heartache a person can deal with and that amount drastically decreases when you add mitochondrial disease to the mix.

Oh yeah... I wanted to tell everyone about the worst doctor's appointment I've ever had.  I will have to save that for my next post.  I will tell you right now, though.  If you're in the Kansas City area, do NOT see Dr. Tuba Esfandyari.  She is the most cocky and rude doctor I have ever met in my life.  More to come on that.

Last, but not least, I wanted to let all of my readers know that I am sorry if I haven't written you back yet.  I have a few emails from readers that I have received over the last month.  I just haven't had the extra time or, especially, energy to write everyone back.  Once my grandpa passes and after the funeral, I'm hoping that I can write all of you back.  As I said in my last post, I REALLY appreciate my readers and greatly appreciate hearing from each an every one of you.  So please know that I have read your emails when they came through and have every intention of emailing you back... I just haven't been able to yet.

Life's too short... go hug your loved ones.