Tuesday, September 6, 2011

New Discoveries

I was talking to my husband the other night about various things that we normally don't have time to talk about.  You know, things like... well, anything.  We have two little girls who like a talk a LOT.  Therefore, we don't generally get a word in edge wise.

So anyway, we were talking the other night when I made a little discovery about myself.  One of the things that helps me get through things is talking. (Hmmm... I wonder why my girls talk a lot.)  For some reason, when I talk things through, many times I wind up learning something about myself or what I'm feeling.  No, that's not my discovery.  I already knew that about myself.

This time, I figured out what has bothered me the most about my whole situation.  You see, there's two things that upset me, make me depressed, piss me off, etc.  All of the little things fall under the two big categories.  Number 1:  I can't do all of the things I used to be able to do and all of the things I love to do because my body won't let me and/or I feel so bad.
Number 2:  People.

I know.  That doesn't explain a lot.  "People" is the short answer, but it covers everything involved in the second reason why I am upset, depressed, pissed, etc. in the last couple of years.  Don't worry, I'll elaborate.  What am I thinking... I'm sure you already knew I'd elaborate.  None of my posts are ever short by any means.

I have definitely learned who my friends are over the last couple of years.  Actually, I should probably not just use the term friends.  I have definitely learned who gives a shit about me and who doesn't.  When I was an independent person with problems that I could get through on my own, I had a lot of friends and family who I thought cared about me.... truly cared about me.  Now that I am going through something that I can't do on my own, mentally or physically, I have learned that I was wrong about a good portion of those people.  You've already heard me talk about my ex-coworkers.  Well, they aren't the only ones.

You know, maybe I'm expecting too much out of people.  But, you know that saying "treat others how you wish to be treated"?  Well, I guess I expect people to treat me the way I would treat them if they were going through the same thing.  If the situation were reversed, I would make time to help a family member or friend if they had a disease that was as disabling as mine is.   And, you know, I'm not just talking about people helping me physically either.  In this part of the conversation I'm actually talking about people taking the time to even talk to me, pick up the phone and call, send me an email, throw me a text, fly me a carrier pigeon, mail me a letter, whatever you feel like doing.  (You may be laughing at the thought of mailing a letter, but I actually got one of those this past week... thanks to that person for doing that.  Very thoughtful.)

It's not only that people have extremely let me down over the last couple of years.  I am also very lonely.  I miss being around people.  Every now and then I used to have 6 days off from work because of the way my schedule fell.  I used to be excited, happy, whatever you want to call it, when I was finally going back to work just because I was ready to be around people again.  Well, it's been a lot longer than 6 days.  I sit at home by myself 90% of the time. (My kids don't count, btw.)  I like to talk.  Not type.  Talk.  I like to interact with people; hear about their lives, tell them about mine.

I'm just talking about friends, family, acquaintances, etc. here.  That doesn't include the people I was around for work (i.e. my patients and their families).  I may have had the occasional "screw you" from a patient, but I had a whole lot more "thank you"s from my patients and their families.  I loved helping people, even if I didn't get a "thank you".  It was just worth it to me to know I was helping someone in some way, shape, or form at the same time, hearing their stories.

I have found people so intolerable recently.  I'm getting pissed off more and more easily recently.  Really, I think it's just because I'm so sick and tired of people.  I'm sick and tired of people not being there for me.  I'm sick and tired of people saying they care, then proving they don't with their actions.  (I am ALL about "actions speak louder than words".)  I am sick and tired of people choosing to not speak to me about the things that are bothering them about me or otherwise, questions they have about the things I've said or done, or anything else that's on their mind.  I'm sick and tired of people assuming.  Assuming they know what I'm going through.  Assuming I'm handling everything just fine.  Assuming someone else is helping me so they don't need to.  Assuming I know how they feel about me, what they think of me, or any other thought that's in their mind that they choose not to share out loud. (I haven't completed the mind reading class I enrolled in yet.)

I have said before that I'm a good liar and actress.  Just because I act like I'm feeling well, doesn't mean that I am.  Just because I act like I'm happy, doesn't mean that I am.  I have become very proficient in the act of faking it. (And no, I'm not talking about orgasms.)

And now for the second post of the day...   Please read "Where Did Everyone Go? Part II".  I almost posted them together as one, but I decided it was waaaaaay too long.  So, I spared you all so you can read the two posts separately if you must.  Even though I'm sure it's very difficult to pull yourself away from my deeply entertaining blog.  :o)

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