Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Where Did Everyone Go? Part II

This evening I had a nervous breakdown of sorts.  "Oh, whatever, she's exaggerating," you say.  Well, not by much I'm not.  Let me explain...

I am titling this Where Did Everyone Go? Part II because I titled a post "Where did everyone go?" almost a year ago.  In that post I discussed how everyone was so helpful, but it was slowly going away.  Well, that was nothing.

Over the last few months the amount of help we have received has decreased drastically.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect it to last forever.  Or did I?

With two kids, one of which being pretty young still, it is difficult for my husband to do everything that needs to be done on a daily basis.  I know what you're probably thinking.... (I'm practicing my mind reading here) "It's just like being a single dad.  Lots of people do it."  However, he not only has to take care of our two kids, but he has to take care of me as well.

I saw the help slowly wearing off a couple of months ago.  So, I decided to try to hire someone.  I have done a little bit of searching.  However, I was encouraged by multiple people that that wasn't necessary.  Those people said they could do it so I don't have to.  My dear husband doesn't want to spend the money (after all, it's a lot of money... and we just stopped paying for daycare for my youngest one since she just started Kindergarten).  So I've put off a strenuous search for a caretaker.  I am now finding that I need one.

School started a couple of weeks ago.  My oldest started 7th grade; first year of middle school, with 2 advanced classes.  My youngest started Kindergarten.  She comes home on the bus at 3:30pm instead of coming home with Chris at 5:30pm.  The older helps take care of the younger.  Or that was the plan.  She has had so much homework and studying to do that she not only needs my help with, but prevents her from helping me with her sister.  So, at 3:30, both of my daughters are home, and Chris doesn't get home until at least 5:30.  I know 2 hours doesn't sound like much, but it's the toughest 2 hours of the day for both myself and my 5 year old.  I generally hit a wall by 5 o'clock at the latest.  And when I hit a wall, I hit a wall.  I have zero energy, my brain just about completely stops working (no helping with 7th grade homework, I can barely help with Kindergarten homework), I generally get a headache, and my muscles decide that they are done for the day.  And yes, I eat a good sized, healthy snack in the afternoon.  So, every afternoon when the kids are home has proven to be very tough on me.  As soon as Chris gets home, I generally go straight to bed and he has to bring my dinner to me there.

I finally saw a GI doc last week. (no, I'm not completely changing the subject.  I promise.  I'm not that ADD.) She ordered 3 tests, none of which are extremely easy to do.  Two of the tests are this week (Wed. and Fri.) at a hospital 25 minutes away.  The first test will probably last about 3-4 hours, plus another hour of driving there and back.  Then, as soon as I get home, I will have to take care of the kids, despite the fact that I will probably hit my 5 o'clock wall by 3 o'clock.  Then, on Thursday, I have a meeting at the elementary school at 2:30.  I will then have to come home to get my youngest taken care of to then get out again to pick up my oldest from choir practice.  On Friday, I have another test at the same hospital, 25 minutes away.  Next week I have a colonoscopy.  I am worried that because of the prep and test, I will need help just getting around and taking care of myself the day before, of, and after the colonoscopy.

I know that doesn't sound like much to you healthy people out there.  To me, it sounds completely awful.  My main fear is that doing all of this myself will set me back.  If Mito patients do too much, and overdo it, we can possibly not recover from the setback it causes.

Unfortunately, what other choice do I have?  I have 1, maybe 2 people I feel comfortable asking for help right now.  There are a couple of people I feel comfortable asking for help if it's something very small.  But when it comes to taking care of me the day before, of, and after my colonoscopy, who's going to do that?  My wonderful mom #2 (step-mom) is going to care for me the day of.

It's not just the tests and doctor's appointments that I'm on my own for.  It's the everyday stuff.... taking care of the kids 5 days a week by myself, getting stuff done around the house, etc.  My husband's doing the best he can.  He gets a lot of stuff done at night, but he can't help me with anything during the day.  He has already had difficulty getting his 40 hours in over the last couple of months because he's had to help me so much.

I just don't know what to do.  Do I try harder to find someone to hire to help me and then have to struggle with finances again because we can't afford it. (at least not the amount that I really need help)  Do I just suck it up and do it myself feel like shit, physically and mentally, all the time?  I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, it's really starting to get me down again.  Once again, I'm lonely and with feeling like I don't have any help or anyone to ask for help, I feel alone in addition to lonely.

So, after a busy day today of running errands, taking care of the kids when they got home, and dealing with major problems with the pharmacy (one of the errands I ran, and my husband ran... twice), the thought of doing everything I have to do this week put me into a partial nervous breakdown; crying, hyperventilating, etc.  It wasn't pretty.

And now... I'm too tired to keep typing, or to keep my eyes open for that matter.  No pretty pictures this time... sorry.


Anonymous said...

playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes...
Hang in there

Robin said...

Beautiful song. I don't know if there is a specific meaning to you saying that, but beautiful none the less.
I'm hangin. Sometimes afraid I'm going to fall, but still hanging.

Anonymous said...

Is there a support group that you can join? Also, is there any volunteer organization that you could get involved with that could help you refocus some of the energy that you do have?

I think in terms of your disapointment with people you sound like you could benefit from a support group/therapist and that is probably some of what you are trying to do with your blog but perhaps it is time to accept that the people who are disappointing you are not going to change but you can change and stop choosing to be disappointed by them.

Doesn't sound like you are in a great spot and I don't envy your position.